Reflection in times of Corona

It's our 29th day of confinement and it's also the day that Christ has risen. Easter morn.

For almost a month now, we are inside our home. There are days that we enjoy it. Some days we're so occupied that we didn't even know that, that day passed by as quickly as it came. There are some days we're annoyed, some days we're bored, some days we are too lazy to do anything but most of the days  (or my days) are spent thinking about "Why, with all these modern technology, why can't we find a vaccine or a cure?" 

Covid-19 cases are still rising, people are still getting sick, people are dying. This virus took out our liberty to do whatever we want. 

Maybe because there lies the problem. People do whatever they want. 

We do whatever we want. 

We want to pollute the air, we  do it. We want to exploit nature, we do it. We want to contaminate the water, we do it. We want to impure the land, we do it. We want to abuse our life, we do it. 

We can do everything. 

We feel that we owe the world nothing and the world owe us everything. 

That God created this world, place it into the palm of our hands and then one day we just decided that we can do whatever we want with it. 

We felt powerful that we forgot that someone greater than us, greater than everything just lend us this world, just lend us this life. 

And the irony of everything is that God did not stopped us. 

Instead a virus stopped us. A virus, that in my opinion is an effect of what we did to this world. An effect of what we did with our lives. A virus that in our modern world today; filled with advanced technology to create and re-create, we can't even find any cure, any vaccine or  any solution. 

Look at what Coronavirus did.  

It brought us back to our source by stopping everything.  It stopped them. It stopped us. It stopped the whole humanity. 

Reflecting on it, this virus made us vulnerable. It made us feel fear once again. Reminded us that we are not invincible, that we are not powerful, that there are things that we cannot control. It made us dependent on one another.  Made us reach out to the bottom of our hearts for something to believe in. It spurts faith once again. And faith made us HUMAN once again. 

And it brought us to our senses.

That our life is not ours to keep. That we just borrowed it. From ash we came, from ash we shall return. Everything will one day return to its proper place. Everything should go back to its sources.

Today, while having dinner with my family. We thought about the changes this Covid-19 brought to our lives. And all our answers lead me to this realisation:

In our modern lives, we spend most of our time with our work, doing something else, spending more time with colleagues rather than our family. We communicate with one or two text messages a day with our love one (if time allows us). That most of us depends on our own, we created this mentality that this is my life, this is my opinion, this is my decision. And that the basic excuse that comes out of our mouth is this, "I DON'T HAVE TIME." 

Now with the widespread quarantine, WE ALL HAVE THE TIME.  

To eat home cooked meals with our family, instead of eating out. To communicate with them face to face, instead of facetime. To play with our kids, instead of just putting them to bed when you arrive from work. To create something (bake with them, paint with them...), instead of spending our time with mobile devices, gadgets etc... To dance with them, instead of them spending time doing "Tiktok".  To laugh with them, instead of laughing at them.  To learning with them, instead of only teaching them. To do things together, instead of doing it by yourself. Saying "I have time", instead of "If I have time" or worst the "I-don't-have-time" excuse.

It is going back to the basics once again. 

The irony (again)? The sense of "being a family" was restored by this virus. 

One of our children said that, this situation gave everyone a chance to show that each and everyone (still) can care and show love for another. That everyone can be a hero in disguise. That we can partake in making this world a better place. (I think, she got that from a song)

One of our children is amazed how we can pray for someone we don't even know. And how we can pray more often than before. 

The irony? A sense of humanity and of faith restored by this virus.

We are used to waking up early in the morning, but we are just too busy preparing ourselves to go to work and our kids to go to school. But right now what Coronavirus did is that, as soon as we get up, it let us hear the "beauty of silence."

 No cars, no motors (in rare cases plane), only the sound of  birds chirping (or sometimes dog barking). I personally have forgotten, for a long time, what silence sounds like.

On the news, In Venice, their canals are clearing up, people can see fishes swimming on it. In Manila, sky is clearing up, opening up to a fresher sunrise and a lovely sunset.  In India, people can see the 'Himalayas" once again in some part of their country. 

Nature is healing. 

I won't ask what's the irony, for I know you all get what I mean. 

I know that Coronavirus brought different effects to the lives of each and everyone of us.  Mostly it brought sadness, anguish and pain. It is like darkness that befell on us all but always remember that sometimes we need to go through this darkness to get to the light. For it is knowing the darkness that we can appreciate the goodness of the light of God. 

I pray that may we find positivity in this time of difficulty. 

Let us be witnesses to the risen Lord. Happy Easter everyone!!!

What do you want?

I was watching a film of one of my favorite actor, Robin Williams, "Good Will Hunting," when he said one of his lines that always have the same effect to me as the first time I watched in 1997. He said this line to Will (played by Matt Damon,) "What do you want?"

As he said it, I felt it again. A supposed to be four words question, that supposed to be easily answered but that supposed-to-be-easily-answered-question is not easy for me.

I've experienced a lot of self doubt through out my life, experienced being lost, which I allowed willingly because as I've always say, "Sometimes, it is only through being lost that we can find ourselves."

"What do I want?" That question still hunts me. At 43 it still leaves me aghast. As if there's a moment that time stood still, so I can reflect on what do I really want.

I thought by this time, at my age, I could easily answer this question just like answering the question what do you want to eat or to drink or questions such as these... But no! I'm still stuck.

What do I want?

Last year, I decided that I want changes to happen in my life. I took the first step for this to happen. I allowed my self to step out of my comfort zone. After 10 years of doing the same thing over and over again and feeling my self worth drowning, my skills and competences rusting and talents disappearing, I felt that I became stagnant and not growing (career wise), I decided it's time for changes. And I made it happen.

And here I am, stepped out of my comfort zone. "I started my impossible." And I am in a domain not known to me and then... I felt scared.

Overwhelmed by what is happening, I want to crawl back to where I am before. In few days, I felt insecure, embarrassed and started doubting myself. And I doubted that I am in my right place. It took me few days to feel all of that. And I felt the urge of not continuing the path that I'm walking on. Started a bad habit of comparing myself to the people around me, feeling smaller and smaller and I focused on my incapacity... on my limitations... on my weaknesses. I made excuses for myself, telling myself and others that "I don't know because I was not born here, I was not educated here..." and all those excuses filled my insecurities more and more.

I felt lost and I fell to the bottom of a pit and don't want to stand up. I am not ready.

But no one is born ready. We can say that we are "Ready," when we grab those changes no matter how scared we are or unconfident we are and turn them into opportunities.

So I asked myself once again, "What do I want?"

I came to a conclusion, that what I want is for changes to happen in my life. And when it happened, I want to abandon it because of the responsibilities that goes with it. I realized that I got scared because I desired for changes but never really committed myself to the consequences of what I wished for.

Commitment. In everything that I do, I always commit myself. But why did I forget that.

In every change that will happen to me and in my life I need to commit myself to facing all the consequences of my action.

I forgot that...

In all of my life's experiences, no one can decide for me. No one can commit for me. My life, my decision, my commitment. It all lies on the palm of my hands.

Here's a penny for my own thought (if that notion exists): What I want is for changes to happen to my life, so that I feel my worthiness once again. And it is happening right now. But those changes are accompanied by responsibilities. I need to be man enough to accept that changes also means embracing all the responsibilities or consequences that included in it.

As I've said, My life, my decision, my commitment.

And so the following question of Robin Williams..." Is this what you want?"

Yes.

My last goodbye

Yesterday was my last day at work. I said goodbye once again to my colleagues of 3 months. But I never thought that I already made friends out of most of them and it was really a pleasure meeting them. So here is a poem that I wrote, in the hope to convey what they really meant for me.

Goodbye... for now.

My ordinary life

       My life has always been ordinary. Always on the safe zone. I never go beyond the zone that makes me uncomfortable. Basically out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failing. Fear of facing the consequences and results of my actions. Fear of the unknown. 

      All throughout my life I walked only on the path which is known to me. I never did anything out of the ordinary. And I have never allowed myself to experience the pleasure of the joy or the pain of my existence. I'm too scared to try and do things on my own. That is why I failed to discover my limits, my strenght and my weaknesses, what I can do best, what I can offer and I failed to discover who am I really? And it made me feel non-existent. 

      It made me feel that I don't exist...that I am not important. Even in the matters of the heart. I choose the safest route. But, with the outmost respect for the man that I married, if there is one thing good that happened in my life while choosing the "safe" path, it is that I have chosen the man who loved me first and who loved me more because he allowed me to be myself. He is the reason why I would like to discover who I really am. And through him I discovered  a lot of things and one included is the real meaning of happiness. Which made me love him more and unconditionally. But other than that, I never allowed myself to take risk of choosing another path of life. 

      Even in my career, always on the safe side. I for once a have lot of ideas on my head. Ideas that can turn something profitable but instead I chose to be employed. Instead of finding out if I can succeed being my own boss, I chose to have a boss for the security of having a monthly income. And for making sure that there's always food on the table. But never did I try to step outside my imaginary line to see what happens if I start doing the things that will make me happy. And things that I love doing. Just because I fear that I will fail. 

      If one can categorize the way I lived, it is in the category of a boring life. An ordinary one. A lifeless life. 

      Having said all of these, there's only one way I can live my life to the fullest and it is to take risk in every aspect of my life. I am so done with the "safe" path. I am taking another route. But it doesn't mean that I will just disregard my security or safety. On contrary, I value my life so much that is why I am doing these, not to lose my life but to gain it. I will do things that will make me discover my strenght and weaknesses. How, where and when I still don't know. A little bit hesitant to go beyond my comfort zone yet eager to start anew. 

     I don't know what the future holds for me, but then I am jumping with my eyes closed. Maybe, just one eye closed. But join me in my journey as I, surely, will be lost along the way. 2019 welcome me and accept me for here I come. 

You made the difference

My typical day: 

Wake up. Take a bath. Dry my hair. Put on my clothes. Drink coffee while checking my e-mails, Facebook, text messages, Instagram, WhatsApp messages and Snapchat. (If I have time write or update my blog). Brush my teeth. Put on my shoes. Go out of the house. Walk towards the train station. Listen to music. Arrives at work. Clock in. Briefing at work. Then start my work day. Clock out at the end of the day. Go home. Sometimes kids and husband at home sometimes they're not yet home. Dinner.

On my special day: 

Wake up. Take a bath. Put on a dress. Drink coffee while checking my e-mails, Facebook, text messages, Instagram, WhatsApp messages and Snapchat (If I have time write or update my blog). Saw my Mom's birthday greetings on Facebook followed by well wishers: acquaintances, friends, relatives and loved ones. Read and reply to all Facebook, private messages, text and WhatsApp messages. Brush my teeth. Put on my shoes. Went out of the house. Opened my umbrella. Walk towards the train station under the rain. Felt the gentle breeze on my face and on my hair. Loving the rain even more. Listen to music. Posted something on Instagram then a sudden call from someone special who can't see and greet me in the morning because he was at work last night (let us hide him in the name of Vincent). Had a few laughs with him on the phone and throw away some "love you's and miss you's" here and there and he sang a birthday song at that. Arrives at work. Clock in. Briefing at work. Then at the end of our briefing my friends and colleagues sang a birthday song for me. They give me hugs and kisses. Then start my work day. Clock out at the end of the day. Go home. Husband and kids greeted me with hugs and kisses. Had dinner.

Comparing the two, there is no much difference. But I love the "difference" anyway no matter how small or big it is. This difference made it even more special even if it looks like any ordinary day. And all of you, made that difference. 

Thank you for remembering. I am full because of your presence and greetings and most specially your given blessings. I couldn't ask for more.

CM Party

Once a year my company is throwing out a party for it's employees. It's from 5 pm to 2 am. With free food and drinks including alcohol (with 0.0% alcohol content). A concert  or a disco what ever the organizers planned. The main point is for the employees to have fun, relax and dance the night away.

On my 10 years service, I only went there thrice. The first one was brief. Few minutes, had ice cream and left. The one that accompanied me at that time is not really into it. And I, the-can't-go-there-by-myself-girl wanted to stay but since I'll be alone, I decided to leave with my companion.

The second one, was longer. I was with a group this time. And certain people in this group loves to hang out, eat, chat, listen to music and dance. But since I have kids, I can't stay longer than them. So after eating and having long chats I went home.

And the third time was yesterday. And this time I don't need to worry about the kids for my husband is at home. It was like my first time going to the Cast Member Party.  I ate, chatted, listened to music and even stayed for the concert. But one thing I realized that even I was feeling happy with what is going on, if your companion is a drag, there's no use having fun. 

But nevertheless, at least I experienced and took advantage of what my company offers.