My ordinary life

       My life has always been ordinary. Always on the safe zone. I never go beyond the zone that makes me uncomfortable. Basically out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failing. Fear of facing the consequences and results of my actions. Fear of the unknown. 

      All throughout my life I walked only on the path which is known to me. I never did anything out of the ordinary. And I have never allowed myself to experience the pleasure of the joy or the pain of my existence. I'm too scared to try and do things on my own. That is why I failed to discover my limits, my strenght and my weaknesses, what I can do best, what I can offer and I failed to discover who am I really? And it made me feel non-existent. 

      It made me feel that I don't exist...that I am not important. Even in the matters of the heart. I choose the safest route. But, with the outmost respect for the man that I married, if there is one thing good that happened in my life while choosing the "safe" path, it is that I have chosen the man who loved me first and who loved me more because he allowed me to be myself. He is the reason why I would like to discover who I really am. And through him I discovered  a lot of things and one included is the real meaning of happiness. Which made me love him more and unconditionally. But other than that, I never allowed myself to take risk of choosing another path of life. 

      Even in my career, always on the safe side. I for once a have lot of ideas on my head. Ideas that can turn something profitable but instead I chose to be employed. Instead of finding out if I can succeed being my own boss, I chose to have a boss for the security of having a monthly income. And for making sure that there's always food on the table. But never did I try to step outside my imaginary line to see what happens if I start doing the things that will make me happy. And things that I love doing. Just because I fear that I will fail. 

      If one can categorize the way I lived, it is in the category of a boring life. An ordinary one. A lifeless life. 

      Having said all of these, there's only one way I can live my life to the fullest and it is to take risk in every aspect of my life. I am so done with the "safe" path. I am taking another route. But it doesn't mean that I will just disregard my security or safety. On contrary, I value my life so much that is why I am doing these, not to lose my life but to gain it. I will do things that will make me discover my strenght and weaknesses. How, where and when I still don't know. A little bit hesitant to go beyond my comfort zone yet eager to start anew. 

     I don't know what the future holds for me, but then I am jumping with my eyes closed. Maybe, just one eye closed. But join me in my journey as I, surely, will be lost along the way. 2019 welcome me and accept me for here I come.