What do you want?

I was watching a film of one of my favorite actor, Robin Williams, "Good Will Hunting," when he said one of his lines that always have the same effect to me as the first time I watched in 1997. He said this line to Will (played by Matt Damon,) "What do you want?"

As he said it, I felt it again. A supposed to be four words question, that supposed to be easily answered but that supposed-to-be-easily-answered-question is not easy for me.

I've experienced a lot of self doubt through out my life, experienced being lost, which I allowed willingly because as I've always say, "Sometimes, it is only through being lost that we can find ourselves."

"What do I want?" That question still hunts me. At 43 it still leaves me aghast. As if there's a moment that time stood still, so I can reflect on what do I really want.

I thought by this time, at my age, I could easily answer this question just like answering the question what do you want to eat or to drink or questions such as these... But no! I'm still stuck.

What do I want?

Last year, I decided that I want changes to happen in my life. I took the first step for this to happen. I allowed my self to step out of my comfort zone. After 10 years of doing the same thing over and over again and feeling my self worth drowning, my skills and competences rusting and talents disappearing, I felt that I became stagnant and not growing (career wise), I decided it's time for changes. And I made it happen.

And here I am, stepped out of my comfort zone. "I started my impossible." And I am in a domain not known to me and then... I felt scared.

Overwhelmed by what is happening, I want to crawl back to where I am before. In few days, I felt insecure, embarrassed and started doubting myself. And I doubted that I am in my right place. It took me few days to feel all of that. And I felt the urge of not continuing the path that I'm walking on. Started a bad habit of comparing myself to the people around me, feeling smaller and smaller and I focused on my incapacity... on my limitations... on my weaknesses. I made excuses for myself, telling myself and others that "I don't know because I was not born here, I was not educated here..." and all those excuses filled my insecurities more and more.

I felt lost and I fell to the bottom of a pit and don't want to stand up. I am not ready.

But no one is born ready. We can say that we are "Ready," when we grab those changes no matter how scared we are or unconfident we are and turn them into opportunities.

So I asked myself once again, "What do I want?"

I came to a conclusion, that what I want is for changes to happen in my life. And when it happened, I want to abandon it because of the responsibilities that goes with it. I realized that I got scared because I desired for changes but never really committed myself to the consequences of what I wished for.

Commitment. In everything that I do, I always commit myself. But why did I forget that.

In every change that will happen to me and in my life I need to commit myself to facing all the consequences of my action.

I forgot that...

In all of my life's experiences, no one can decide for me. No one can commit for me. My life, my decision, my commitment. It all lies on the palm of my hands.

Here's a penny for my own thought (if that notion exists): What I want is for changes to happen to my life, so that I feel my worthiness once again. And it is happening right now. But those changes are accompanied by responsibilities. I need to be man enough to accept that changes also means embracing all the responsibilities or consequences that included in it.

As I've said, My life, my decision, my commitment.

And so the following question of Robin Williams..." Is this what you want?"

Yes.

My last goodbye

Yesterday was my last day at work. I said goodbye once again to my colleagues of 3 months. But I never thought that I already made friends out of most of them and it was really a pleasure meeting them. So here is a poem that I wrote, in the hope to convey what they really meant for me.

Goodbye... for now.

My ordinary life

       My life has always been ordinary. Always on the safe zone. I never go beyond the zone that makes me uncomfortable. Basically out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failing. Fear of facing the consequences and results of my actions. Fear of the unknown. 

      All throughout my life I walked only on the path which is known to me. I never did anything out of the ordinary. And I have never allowed myself to experience the pleasure of the joy or the pain of my existence. I'm too scared to try and do things on my own. That is why I failed to discover my limits, my strenght and my weaknesses, what I can do best, what I can offer and I failed to discover who am I really? And it made me feel non-existent. 

      It made me feel that I don't exist...that I am not important. Even in the matters of the heart. I choose the safest route. But, with the outmost respect for the man that I married, if there is one thing good that happened in my life while choosing the "safe" path, it is that I have chosen the man who loved me first and who loved me more because he allowed me to be myself. He is the reason why I would like to discover who I really am. And through him I discovered  a lot of things and one included is the real meaning of happiness. Which made me love him more and unconditionally. But other than that, I never allowed myself to take risk of choosing another path of life. 

      Even in my career, always on the safe side. I for once a have lot of ideas on my head. Ideas that can turn something profitable but instead I chose to be employed. Instead of finding out if I can succeed being my own boss, I chose to have a boss for the security of having a monthly income. And for making sure that there's always food on the table. But never did I try to step outside my imaginary line to see what happens if I start doing the things that will make me happy. And things that I love doing. Just because I fear that I will fail. 

      If one can categorize the way I lived, it is in the category of a boring life. An ordinary one. A lifeless life. 

      Having said all of these, there's only one way I can live my life to the fullest and it is to take risk in every aspect of my life. I am so done with the "safe" path. I am taking another route. But it doesn't mean that I will just disregard my security or safety. On contrary, I value my life so much that is why I am doing these, not to lose my life but to gain it. I will do things that will make me discover my strenght and weaknesses. How, where and when I still don't know. A little bit hesitant to go beyond my comfort zone yet eager to start anew. 

     I don't know what the future holds for me, but then I am jumping with my eyes closed. Maybe, just one eye closed. But join me in my journey as I, surely, will be lost along the way. 2019 welcome me and accept me for here I come.