I am nervous for her. I never felt like this with her two other siblings. With her two other siblings, I was excited for them, but for her, it's anxiousness and fear. Not that I am not excited for her. I am but...
I always fear the unknown, that's why I'm the type of person who will plan ahead, who will always do a "to-do list," "what-to-buy-list," "where-to-go list" and all those lists. I know that she will do well BUT... those "BUTs" are still popping in my head.
Let me explain to you first why I feel this way.
Early this year, I thought I was going to lose her. She had convulsions. Series of convulsions. She had 14 convulsions in a span of 12 hours and those convulsions didn't stop there. It continues on her second day at the hospital. She stayed for over a week at the hospital and as a mother, I want to know why. I have the right to know why. And as a nurse (although I don't practice this profession right now), I can only believe in what I can explain when it comes to one's health specially when we're talking about my kids health.
First few days, I will understand that you can't explain all to me yet, for there are still other examinations to do. Results of initial examinations were not yet released. But after a week, I will expect you to give me something. Something I can assure myself that, "Ahhh, this is what she had, that's why she had these..." So I would know what to do next. So I will know how to help my daughter ease her pain. So I will know how to handle situations that will arise from this. But nothing they said re-assured me. At the end of her stay, when they said that she can go home, I told them, "you'll letting her go but you can't or didn't even explain to me why she was here in the first place?" They simply told me that she had a virus that caused her convulsions.
I immediately seek a second opinion. And the doctor found out that her cranial size is way below the normal curve. There's a probability that that caused her convulsions.
Micro-cephaly. It is a condition wherein a child's head is smaller than normal for an infant of that age and gender. Most of them have small brains and retardation.
My daughter has a small head. But her development are, for me, more than ok. She started walking at 10 months. She talks small words like "mama" and "papa." before her fist birthday. She eats by herself, climbs jumps, dance and sings just like any normal kid of her age. Although she's so small for her age and her character is so strong that she does things on her own and she can cry for hours and hours non-stop. When she has tantrums, no one can approach her. Not that we're scared of her, but she'll do things that will make you step back. Besides those, we didn't observe any retardations or what-so-ever.
Her doctor said that there is a very slight percentage that micro-cephalic children will have normal intelligence and develops normally just like any other kids of their age except that they develops slower and are smaller than them. They are just children with "small heads" but still, they are categorized as Micro-cephalic. A very slight percentage. I am hoping that my child falls in that category.
For if not her future will be "unknown." There is no treatment for micro-cephaly. Kids with this condition requires frequent examinations and testings.
And as I said, I have fear of the unknown. I don't know what her future will bring her. I am not sure, if one day she can still go to the school that she'll be attending to. I am not sure, if one day she can still eat by herself, climbs, jumps, dance and sings just like any normal kid of her age. That's my greatest fear.
It's now half past 3 in the morning, yet I am still awake. Staring into the darkness... into the unknown.
My husband besides me is still fast asleep. Of course, he's the "Mister Optimistic" of this house. He always tells me "not to worry too much." and the "we'll-cross-the-bridge-when-we-get-there," stuff. Yet, I can never be re-assured. But I'll take his advice.
I'll take it one at a time. I'll enjoy my daughter just as what she is right now. I'll be excited for her just as she is excited to go to school. I'll play with her, dance with her, sing with her, talk with her and imagine and dream with her. Even most of these I can't really do well. I can even pretend to have imaginary pets just like her and just for her. For this is the only thing that I can do for her for the moment, to "be with her," every step of the way. I'll be there for her just as I am there for her other siblings. I can only offer her myself and my time. I hope it will be enough.
I need to get some sleep, busy day tomorrow as you know it's the first day of school.
Good night (or is it Good morning?).
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